question and response

How can I avoid sexual immorality?

Email Received:

I’m still trying to deal with the fact that I am a divorced man. Life has been strange. I am dating someone who was a friend of mine for many years. It started out as a mutual enjoyment of an activity. We would take part in the activity. In between we would discuss religion. Eventually I ended up attending her church. It was a bit intimidating. So I convinced her to attend Resurrection one week a month. that lasted about one visit. Now we attend every weekend. I don’t understand why, but it seems like the stronger my faith becomes the better our relationship becomes. At the same time we struggle with exactly what is proper for a dating couple. I know it’s a taboo question, but I have been searching and I can’t exactly figure out what is proper for a dating couple. I know pre-marital sex is out. I did that the first time around and learned my lesson. I just can’t figure out what the term sexual immorality means. It seems like the bible has no information on dating. what are your thoughts on this? I know this is a rather intimate subject, but I refuse to make the same mistakes twice so I apologize for the nature of my questions.

My Response:

Thanks for sharing the story of your relationship. I think that it is a very real experience to grow stronger in your faith and stronger in your relationship. Faith can be a very strong binding force in relationships and in marriage. It can also be a wedge between two people if they are headed in different directions in their spiritual journey.

No need to apologize for the nature of your questions. They are real questions and I appreciate your honesty. The question that you seem to be asking is what is it that I can do to avoid sexual immorality. I would agree with your conclusion that sexual intercourse outside of a marriage relationship is not God’s intention. Beyond that there are many different ways of interpreting as a couple “how far to go.” Sexual intercourse, oral sex, mutual masturbation, touching body parts – all these are areas that you will have to talk about as a couple. I encourage you to engage your partner in this conversation. Make a decision together about how you feel comfortable together. I believe that it is very important that you do not go further than either partner is comfortable going sexually. I also believe that it is important that you set boundaries as a couple that excludes activities with which you may be comfortable, but which you recognize is not the way in which God is calling you to be in relationship.

I also encourage you to ask a question with some similarities and some distinct differences. In addition to, “How can I avoid sexual immorality?” you might also ask the question of yourself and as a couple, “How is God calling us to be in relationship?” This has many different aspects, one of which is physical. You might also talk about your spiritual journey together, future life plans and goals, your emotional connection and many other areas. This shifts the question from what to avoid to what to strive for. Does that make sense?

I would also suggest that you consider reading as a couple the book, Making Love Last a Lifetime by Adam Hamilton. It may also provide some insight on dating, relationships and preparation for marriage. You can pick it up at the bookstore before or after worship on the weekend or you can order it online here –

Please feel free to ask any other questions or let me know if there is any other way that I might provide guidance or care.

What do you think?

By Andrew Conard

Christian, husband, son, brother, homeowner

2 replies on “How can I avoid sexual immorality?”

you are very wrong! and i cant believe you are giving this advise to a man that is asking for help. sexual intercourse, oral sex, mutual masturbation, and touching body parts are all agents Gods plan if you are not married. this would not strengthen an unmarried couples relationship with god but keep them from God and put them in the hands of saten ( Isaiah 58:3). You know as well as i do that God is never changing and in John1:1 it says that God is the word. If god and the word are the same than that meens the bible is never changing, so why are you interpreting the bible the way you want to interpret it so that you and the people you know can do what you want. that is just selfish and not of God. the bible clearly states to stay away from sexual contact be for marriage in Hebrews 13:4. if this couple truly loves each other and truly loves God they will not need to know why not to have sex be for marriage because if they truly love God they will wait because it is pleasing to god. If the person who wrote to you is reading this i think kissing if fine but do not go beyond that, any thing other than that encourages sexual morality.

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